Getting political: Gore blasts e-mailers, announces new alternative energy venture

Gore criticizes e-mail users
for ‘carbon copy’ footprint
Plans Second Chakra energy


By Jeff Starck

Disassociated Depress

(TOKYO) – E-mail users need to change their ways, claims Al Gore, chief evangelist of the global warming movement.

The use of the “CC” function in sending e-mail messages is a leading contributor to the phenomenon known as global warming, Gore told reporters at a press conference following a worldwide gathering of global warming action group Keep Our Oxygen Klean.

“It may come as an inconvenient truth, but the wanton use of the ‘carbon copy’ functionality in e-mail messaging has created an untenable situation,” Gore said, at the global conclave. “Those who use the ‘CC’ function, for any reason, are recklessly inflicting harm to our Mother Earth. You may as well stab your momma in the back.”

Between school, work and entertainment, residents of the overdeveloped world use computers an average of 10 hours a day, itself a massive contributor to global warming. But the 230 e-mails that people send daily, on average, is the true culprit.

“I’m sure these messages have filled up your Inbox. Whether it’s racist rhetoric questioning President Obama's heritage, jokes about stupid conservative voters or a chain message claiming Bill Gates will make you rich if you forward e-mails, everyone who uses the ‘CC’ function is to blame,” Gore said.

The harshest e-mails for the environment, Gore said, are those questioning whether global warming actually exists, according to global warming's chief hypocrite, er, messenger.

“I will not let dangerous talk radio spouters like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck defeat democracy and destroy our Mother,” Gore said. “They’re dastardly defiant refusal to accept what we know about global warming is definitely cause for alarm.”

Because talkers like Limbaugh and Beck have millions of listeners and e-mail subscribers, the impact of their carbon copy footprint is multiplied, according to Gore.

But, there’s a simple remedy concerned citizen soldiers in the global warming army can employ to decrease their carbon copy footprint, Gore said.

“As most of you know, all you have to do is list all the e-mail recipients using the ‘To’ function. This eliminates excess carbon emitted using the carbon copy method,” he said.

For e-mail senders that desire a little privacy, the ‘blind carbon copy’ option will also work, Gore said.

“Because none of the other e-mail recipients can see those listed on the blind carbon copy line, the carbon copy footprint isn’t traceable, and thus doesn’t count,” Gore said.

Following the KOOK gathering, Gore returned to his Montecito, Calif., mansion and began drafting plans for a new venture in alternative energy, tentatively titled Crazed Poodle Industries.

Gore said that homeowners who find a way to tap into their "second chakra" can lower their heating bills by half, mostly offsetting the cost of divorce lawyers that would result by engaging in such carbon-saving activities.